Love and Respect

Submitted by Jarvis Howe, M.A.

Men and women are different. That comes as no surprise to most people. Beyond physical differences, God gave men and women different desires, different needs. I will spend the next three weeks writing about how those different desires and needs often end up causing conflict and tension in a marriage. In this post, I will broadly discuss the topic, and in the following two weeks I will discuss specific ways for husbands to build up their wives and for wives to build up their husbands.

CoupleDifferencesWhen you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? Christian counselor Dr. Emerson Eggerichs posed this question to 7,000 men and women. 72% of women said they felt unloved; 83% of men said they felt disrespected. Those are some pretty telling numbers. In Dr. Eggerichs’ book Love and Respect, he talks about the implications of those numbers. When given the choice between having a wife who either loves them or respects them, most men would choose a wife that respects them rather than loves them; conversely, when given a choice between a husband who either loves them or respects them, most women would choose a husband that loves them rather than respects them. Of course, both are important, and both are desired by men and women, but when asked which of the two they need the most, men tend to choose respect and women tend to choose love.

Dr. Eggerichs’ also draws on Ephesians 5:33, which says, “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Notice that God does not command husbands to respect their wives or wives to love their husbands; not because He doesn’t expect us to do those things, but because husbands don’t need to be told how important respect is and wives don’t need to be told how important love is. They are their respective “mother tongues,” according to Dr. Eggerichs.

I have counseled couples and watched the pain in a woman’s eyes as her husband says something unloving. I have also watched a husband deflate after his wife says something disrespectful. Both are equally heart-wrenching. It is amazing how the speaker in those situations, although they might realize they are saying something to hurt the other, they don’t truly realize how hurtful it is to the other person, and how poisonous it is to the relationship.

I should take a moment to note that this love and respect idea is a little shocking to some. They have heard of the concept of unconditional love, but unconditional respect is a new one. God doesn’t command husbands to love their wives IF their wives respect them or wives to respect their husbands IF their husbands love them. Husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands, period. In our culture there is this idea that respect needs to be “earned.” When this idea is applied to a marriage, the results can be disastrous. In some marriages, women have taken the approach that their husband must earn their respect in order for them to start treating their husband respectfully. Imagine what it would be like if the husband demanded that the wife “earned” his love for her before he started treating her lovingly. That would be completely backwards from how we view love. Similarly, respect should be given simply because your spouse is not only a child of God, but also the person with whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life.

I encourage you to talk with your spouse about the kinds of things that they do that come across as unloving or disrespectful. It is very important to listen without jumping in and defending yourself or justifying your actions. Start your statements with “I” instead of “you.” There is a big difference between, “You’re always short with me and never want to talk when you come home from work,” and “I feel sad when I try to talk with you and you don’t seem interested.” Talk about it, pray about it, and ask God to show you ways and help you recognize opportunities to build up your spouse. Next week I will post about some different ways men can build up their wives and show them the love that they deserve.

 

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