Is Your Child Introverted?

Introverts are one of the most misunderstood creatures on the face of the earth. Introverts have been called everything from shy to standoffish to antisocial – but what does it really mean to be an introvert? I myself am quite introverted but have a lot of extroverted people in my life, including my parents, brother, and a couple of really good friends, which can sometimes create quite a bit of stress when I just need some time alone! Very brief definitions of both introverts and extroverts can be summed up as follows: introverts lose energy from being around people for extended periods of time and recharge their batteries by spending time alone; extroverts lose energy from being alone for extended periods of time and recharge their batteries by spending time with other people. The main points of this post will be of most interest to parents of introverted children. Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind if you have a child or children who seem to be more introverted and wonder, “What’s going on inside her head?” or “Is he normal?”

Certainly one of the most common questions a parent asks a child after a day of school is, “How was your day?” I’ve heard many parents complain about their child giving short responses or even grunting. Sometimes this can be chalked up to typical child or teenage disinterest, but sometimes it may be that if one’s child is introverted, that child is absolutely spent at the end of a day when forced to be around other kids. A different response to the same question may be given if the child has a chance to unwind with some quiet time at home before talking and answering questions.

Some parents are very concerned with a lack of friends for their kids. After all, what parent doesn’t want their child to be well-liked and make lots of friends? However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a child only having one or two good friends. As a general rule, kids who are more introverted enjoy spending time alone or with one or two people they know well rather than a larger group of people. Pushing introverted children to make friends or over-scheduling them, especially with lots of activities after school during the week, may overwhelm them.

There are some children out there who are truly shy, but a lot of people use the words “shy” and “introvert” interchangeably. There is a certain negative connotation to the word “shy.” Introverts live in an extroverted world and “shy” is not a desirable personality trait. In fact, if kids hear too often that they’re shy, they may start to believe it themselves. There are a lot of introverts who are not shy, they are simply not as outgoing as others. There are several things I often hear people say to introverted people that are not only not accurate, but make the introverted person feel extremely uncomfortable, awkward, and even bad about themselves. Some of the top comments are “You’re so quiet” or “You don’t say much, do you?”. Apart from the fact that there is really no good response to comments like these, the connotation is negative. Part of the reason for the awkwardness is that introverts tend to not like the spotlight to be on them. They like to think through a new situation before they jump in. They like to observe first and then possibly say what’s on their mind. “You need to get out more” or “live a little!” are other comments sometimes made in jest that give the impression they are missing out on something or they need to be around people or go out to have fun. As an adult I’ve heard many of these comments and know many other people who have as well, and it’s much easier to respond to these things as an adult. But children and teens who are introverted are not as comfortable with who they are yet, often feeling the need to fit in, and would not be able to respond in the same way.

None of this is to say that children who are introverted cannot or do not have issues making friends or could not benefit from having a couple of good friends. This is a brief overview to help increase understanding and hopefully explain a little better what goes on inside the mind of a child who is introverted (especially since children are often not be able to put into words everything that they are feeling). None of this is to say that introverted kids are the only ones with challenges resulting from people making comments about them – on the flip side, there are untrue stereotypes that people have about extroverted people that are just as hurtful…such as they’re shallow or unintelligent…but that’s a whole other post!

Many blessings in the New Year,

Jarvis