Why Is Authenticity So Hard?

Submitted by Jennifer Power

We all crave authenticity.

Who doesn’t prefer a life-breathing conversation to a chat about the weather? Who really wants to expend tremendous energy keeping up a façade – always smiling, keeping people at arms’ length? Who truly wants to beg for attention through story-topping, critical sarcasm or pointed Facebook posts designed to accumulate likes and controversial comments? Who really wants to run around like a toddler on the loose trying to please everyone, avoiding making waves, and making sure our family does not miss out on any “important” experiences?

We do not set out in life to live this way, yet many of us can relate to the exhaustion which comes from lack of authentic communication with others. Our fast-paced lives often leave little room for what our souls truly desire: authenticity.

I am blessed to know a few people who have the ability to bring others into authentic conversation with great grace and ease; however, this is not the norm. Most of us struggle to cut to the heart of the matter. Why? If we all desire authenticity, why are so few of us able to engage in meaningful conversation without great difficulty?

Just last night, my husband and I found ourselves in a petty argument before bed. We love and respect each other and enjoy one another’s company, so why do we get drawn so easily into silly arguments? About twenty minutes into this “discussion” I asked him, “Why are we doing this? Why are arguing about something that doesn’t matter when we both had ideas and thoughts from our day which we desired to share with each other?”

We stopped arguing and spent a few minutes talking about topics of value before we fell asleep, but what a waste to have spent so much of our precious time alone arguing about nothing – draining each other when we could have been energizing and encouraging one another.

When I am in a Bible study, I love prayer request time – not simply because it is a privilege to pray for one another (it is) but also because opening the floor for prayer requests often brings about authentic sharing. Somehow, asking how we can pray for each other gives us permission to be real.

I have often found this time of sharing far too short. All too quickly it is back to small talk. All too quickly, our walls go back up and we are back to protecting ourselves. But there, for a few short minutes, something real transpires. For a few short minutes we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable – that is what is so hard about authenticity. We have all been hurt, and reminders of our pain our easy to spot and drive us into protective mode. Our self-preserving tendencies reason it is better to avoid pain than risk reliving rejection, humiliation, shame, or embarrassment.

But what is the cost of our self-preservation?

In short, it is the fullness of life Jesus Christ died to bring us. Jesus tells us in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Jesus then goes on to explain further:

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.”
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me — just as the Father knows me and I know the Father — and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

We already established authenticity is hard because we fear vulnerability. Fear diminishes the quality of our life – life which Jesus desires us to have.

So, what is the solution?

The solution is both simple and complicated, and it is found in knowing Jesus. Real, authentic life is found in relationship with Jesus. If we desire true community, we can only find it in an authentic, living relationship with Jesus Christ.

“But,” you might say, “I know Jesus, and I still struggle with vulnerabilities in my relationships.”

“Then,” I would say, “We must get to know Him better.” We must invest heavily in our relationship with this Jesus who laid down His life for us. After all, 1 John 4:18 tells us, “there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

We could go to great lengths discussing techniques for engaging in authentic communication and community, and these would certainly do us some good; however, if we really want to discover authenticity in our lives, it must start in deepening our relationship with the Giver of true life.

I pray you will join me on a journey of authenticity. As we collectively grow closer to our great God, might He equip us to share in the richness of His life. Might our children and all those who are near learn from us just how rich life in Christ can be.