What are the things that are preventing you from connecting better with your spouse?

That’s one of the issues that is tackled in the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. “Two lives becoming one: that’s the marriage ideal. But maybe you’ve discovered that it’s easier said than done,” reads the back of the book cover. Let’s take a look at some of the issues tackled in this book – this is just a preview of what we will cover in the class Boundaries in Marriage beginning September 14th on Wednesday nights during Fall F3.

I am really excited about this book (and the class) because it tackles so many issues that are crucial to ensuring continued growth in a marriage. It’s designed to help you understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in your marriage, and move beyond them.

One area we get caught up in are patterns of interaction where we just feel “stuck.” We blame our spouse for how we personally react to a situation, instead of taking personal responsibility for how we react. If I snap at my wife and say the reason I did it was because she forgot to pick something up at the store that I’d asked her to, I’m fooling myself. I snapped at her because I lost control of myself and didn’t handle the situation properly. She made an honest mistake and I reacted poorly. I might feel angry or annoyed that she forgot, but the snapping and yelling part is my decision and was how I chose to react to that situation. I can’t blame her for that. Only I have control over how I react. Once you start to see the difference between the two, you can begin to work toward better understanding. When we start blaming the other (“I snapped at my wife because she forgot to get what I asked for) the consequence is that we are setting ourselves up for a pattern of blame-shifting that is going to pull the two of you apart rather than bring you together.

Another chapter deals with protecting your marriage from intruders. Intruders are defined as things like work, kids, outside hobbies and interests, friends, addictions, and affairs. I’m sure many reading this can identify at least one or two of these things that have challenged or weakened your marital bond. Some of these (addictions, affairs) are negative at face value and we understand how they could have a detrimental impact on the marriage. Others, like kids and outside interests and hobbies, seem like less of “big deal” than an affair or addiction, but they can still negatively impact the marriage if taken too far. Spending time with the kids is great, and we’ve probably all heard that we should have some outside interests and hobbies. This makes these issues harder to identify as actual issues when too much time and effort is invested in them at the expense of a marriage. If we are pouring too much of ourselves into other things, we have little left to give to our spouses.

Additionally, Boundaries in Marriage explores loving God, loving your spouse, honesty, and compassion and forgiveness. Nobody is perfect at any of these, and strengthening any one of them in your marriage will bring you closer to God and to your spouse.

Interested in investing in and improving your marriage? Is it your goal to have better, more defined boundaries with your spouse in an effort to strengthen your marriage? I welcome you to consider attending Boundaries in Marriage starting Wednesday, September 14^th at 6:30 pm at St. Paul’s Lutheran Church.

If you have more questions about this class or resource or need help digging deeper and working on your marriage, contact me at 217-423-6955 or at jarvis@spldecatur.org – I’d be happy to talk with you!

Jarvis