Giving criticism may be one of the most difficult things to do as an adult. Think of how tactful we try to be when we are giving a criticism to a colleague at work. We use the phrase “constructive criticism” to describe criticism that is meant to be helpful. Constructive criticism also implies a tone that is polite in nature. Now think about how we criticize our spouse. What a world of difference! There certainly is a psychology to airing complaints. I know, and I’m sure you do too, that there are certain ways to talk with our spouse about things that are bothering us that they would be more receptive to.

Certainly we can air our complaints to our spouse, but we can do so in a more God-honoring way. You may have heard the term “compliment sandwich”. This means that you tell someone something good or positive that you like about them or that they’ve done well, then provide them with a criticism, and then another compliment. This only works well if the compliments are genuine and sincere. For example, if my wife is working late, as she often does, and comes home and makes a mess in the kitchen that I just spent 20 minutes cleaning, I could yell at her or be sarcastic, both of which I’ve done, and neither of which has solved the problem or brought us closer together. A compliment sandwich might sound something like this: “Honey, I really appreciate how late you’ve been working lately. Sometimes I wish you would clean up after you’re done in the kitchen and you’ve made a mess, that way I don’t have to spend extra time doing it. I know you’re not doing it intentionally and it just slips your mind after a long day. I am really grateful to be married to such a hard worker.” I have used something very similar to this before and was shocked at the difference it made and to how receptive she was to trying harder next time.

Focusing on the behavior and not the person is another great way to come across as less accusatory. Avoid saying things like “you’re lazy,” “you’re so mean,” or “you’re a jerk.” It is a rare and saintly person who can respond to such criticisms by not firing back with an insult of their own. Maybe your spouse did do something mean or acted like a jerk, but pointing it out that way isn’t going to make him or her want to change. Furthermore, you’re making a blanket character statement about them. Focus on the action. What did he or she do that came across as mean or lazy and, importantly, how did it make you feel. It is hard to argue with someone about how they feel.

Lecturing as a way of criticizing has never worked particularly well. If you didn’t like being lectured as a kid you’re definitely not going to enjoy it as an adult. We tune out of lectures as adults just as well as we did as kids! Being accused of being fatherly to your wife or motherly to your husband is not a good thing. To drive home your point, short and loving is the way to go.

Finally, if possible, bring up the issue at a time when you’re not feeling emotional. If your spouse has done that thing you told him or her not to do one thousand times in the past, try to wait before bringing it up to him or her. If you’re able to take some time and be more calm when you bring up the issue, you’ll be able to communicate with your spouse more effectively.

If you’re struggling with how to effectively communicate things that bother you in your relationship, you’re definitely not alone. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time. If this is a big struggle for you, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to own up to your shortcomings in this area. Talk with your spouse. Tell him or her you’re working on it. Ask for forgiveness. Pray to God for the wisdom to handle those situations more tactfully, gracefully, and lovingly.

Yours in Christ,

Jarvis