Have you ever heard someone refer to someone else as an “enabler”?

The term enabler is often used to describe those who enable the behavior of someone who is an addict in some form. However, it can, and often does, apply to a larger group of people. Enabling is any type of behavior that allows a problem someone else has to continue. Enabling perpetuates the problem. The scary thing about people who enable is that they don’t often realize they’re doing it. This means they are unlikely to discontinue the behavior. Part of the problem is that we correlate enabling behaviors in one person with addictive behaviors in another, but that’s not always the case.

Here is one example:
A wife continually “bails out” her husband when he drinks too much, which prevents him from having to suffer the consequences. She calls in to work for him, makes amends with anyone he has caused problems with due to his drinking, takes care of him when he’s hungover, and does anything else she can to “help” him.

Everyone would probably agree that this scenario is a clear example of enabling. The wife’s behavior, although well-intentioned, is preventing her husband from dealing with any of the fallout from his poor choices.

Here is a second example:
A husband comes home after a long day and snaps at his wife during dinner about her not being able to control the kids to give him a moment’s peace. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Lately, he has been letting his stress at work pour over into his home life and has been unfairly critical of his wife, often in front of their kids. He leaves the table and goes into the living room and turns on the TV. Mom and the kids have gotten used to giving dad his space when he is like this and are in the habit of “walking on eggshells” around him. She tells herself and the kids that dad is under a lot of pressure at work and sometimes they need remember that. She also frequently chastises herself for her “failure” to prevent some of these situations before they occur.

The enabling in the second scenario is a little less obvious but is still enabling nonetheless. The husband behaves poorly and ruins everyone’s evening. He storms out of the room and lets everyone else pick up the pieces. His wife feels bad and his kids are scared. The enabling here is evident in how his wife makes excuses for his behavior and everyone changes their behavior to try to make dad happy. Dad never apologizes and mom never approaches him about his behavior.

So now that we’ve seen examples of what enabling looks like through these two scenarios, what can you do if you recognize that it’s happening in your relationship?

It is important to remember that setting firm boundaries and following through is a tough but necessary step to deal with the situation. In the second example, a huge step for this wife would be to have a conversation with her husband in which she explains that she understands his job can be stressful sometimes, but it isn’t okay for him to berate her and speak to her the way he does. He needs to know that his behavior is hurting his family. She could also tell him that the next time he repeats this behavior, she is going to take the kids out for a couple of hours so they don’t have to be around him. This would allow him to begin to experience consequences for his choice of behavior. If he yells, he is going to suffer the loneliness that will come from his family being gone. Not only that, but he will also realize that he is so unpleasant to be around that his family feels they need to get away from him.

Without allowing natural consequences to take place, the person who is being enabled has no motivation to change. The enabler or enablers around him or her are the ones suffering the ill-effects of the person’s behavior, not the person themselves. The only way they may become motivated to change is by experiencing those consequences and living with the effects.

If you are struggling with enabling in relationships in your life, I pray that God would give you the strength to be firm but loving with the person for each of your well-being and for the well-being of the relationship. If you have questions or are seeking communication strategies or support in these situations in your relationships, please do not hesitate to contact me at jarvis@spldecatur.org or 217-423-6955 and I would be happy to connect you with resources or talk with you more about what you can do.

Yours in Christ,

Jarvis