THE GRIP OF MY FEAR

A Special Guest Post by Maryel Nelson

Often times when I get afraid, I try to remember the details of a silly, yet very fearful experience of my childhood. That memory helps me to understand that many times my fear are so unfounded. I will take you back several decades.

Becky and I were probably five or six years old, and we were special little friends. I loved Becky and our times together. She had wonderful long braids and the most beautiful freckles. Becky lived out in the country, and I lived in a very small wonderful little town in Indiana. Upon occasion, Becky’s mother would bring her to town to play with me in the park. And other play times my mother would take me out for a day of fun at the farm, and I could experience life in the country. I loved being there, and we always enjoyed our times together either at the park or on the farm.

It was a summer day that I learned that Becky had broken her arm. I was horrified with the news. You see, I had a doll with a broken arm. My understanding of Becky’s broken arm was limited to what I knew of the condition of my doll. I could see into the doll all the way down to her legs. Of course the doll did not have a heart, but it made me wonder if I could see Becky’s heart beating if I looked into her broken arm.

Shortly after the unfortunate accident for Becky, our moms made arrangements for her to come and play for an afternoon. Her visit would not be for a couple of days, and with my limited knowledge of Becky’s condition, I became gripped with fear. I didn’t share my fear with anyone that could explain that my understanding of a broken arm was unfounded. I only knew that Becky was coming, and we would not be able to go to the park to play as we generally did. She would not be able to hold onto the swing, play on the monkey bars, or climb up the ladder of the slide as we had done so many times before.

It wasn’t the fact that we couldn’t play that had me so fearful. Rather, I was terrified that I might hurt her feelings if I would stare into her body where her arm had broken off, like the doll. The curious kid that I was (still holds true today), I knew that I would want to look into her body to see what the inside of a person looked like. But I wouldn’t want to hurt Becky’s feelings for anything! My mind continued to stir – I wondered if I could see her heart and watch it beat. I was curious about how they had stopped the bleeding. I knew she had gone to the hospital, so I imagined that the doctor had some way stopped the blood from coming out of her body.

For two days I was beside myself. I worried and fretted and was absorbed in my anxiety. How could I get through this time without my curiosity taking over? My mind just kept racing. I wondered if she would have on a top that would show the opening into her body, or if she would have on a blouse with the sleeve turned inside so as to not show the hole. I had seen a man like that. His shirtsleeve was turned in after he broke his arm off. Oh, I did not want to hurt Becky for the world. I hoped that the hole in her arm was under a blouse like the man that was missing his arm that lived in our town.

I really wanted to keep my curiosity in check. So, I set out making plans for our activities to be only what Becky could do with one arm. We could play at home, or maybe go to the park anyway, and she could sit on the swing. I would be sure to not push her too high since she would only be able to hold on with one hand.

My mind was consumed with thoughts waiting those two long days. Should I tell her how sorry I was that she had “broken” her arm? Should I pretend that I didn’t notice that one of her arms was gone? I decided that the latter would be best for Becky, and I would get through the day and act as though I didn’t even notice that she now had only one arm. She was such a special friend, and I didn’t want to make her feel bad. She would still be a special friend whether she had two arms or now just one.

I will never forget the fear that consumed me on the day she was to come. The closer the time came for her to arrive, the more apprehensive and anxious I became. The clock ticked away as I watched it with great unease. When the time came for her to be at my house, I went out to the front porch to wait for her. The minutes seemed like hours as I waited. I can remember the apprehension I felt as I waited and watched. It must have only been a matter of a short time on that porch as I paced up and down the steps, talking to myself all the while. I wanted so bad to do just what was best for poor Becky.

There it was; Becky’s Mom’s car rounded the corner and pull up in front of our house. By this time my mother had exited the front door to greet our guests. I saw Becky through the car window, and she had such a big smile on her face. Everyone seemed so happy to see each other, but I could hardly bring myself to look when Becky stepped out of the car. I took a deep breath telling myself not to stare where her arm once was.

The car door was opened, and out she came. What a surprise! What was that white thing around her neck? And, her fingers were attached to it at the end! Did Becky still have her arm? Wow! Oh, I was so excited to see her and now to realize that she was okay. An explanation of a broken arm was expressed, and I knew that all of that fretting had been for nothing. I hugged and hugged her, and we had the best time ever playing that day.

Can our lack of knowledge consume our entire being or what?

My lack of knowledge regarding Becky’s broken arm had totally captured all of my thoughts for those long anxious days. The fear that had taken captive my mind was huge! And with a little explanation of a broken arm, great relief came in like a flood.

How many times are we fearful because of lack of knowledge? If we only had the whole picture of life and all the answers to the things we don’t understand, fear would disappear. If we could see our lives as God sees, we would have no reason to ever fear. That’s why He tells us in His Word:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” I John 4:18

My little story of Becky’s arm and how it gripped me with fear is that of a child. Circumstances throughout life can offer much fear along the way, much more catastrophic than my experience with the broken arm. But often we waste so much energy when we don’t see the whole picture of what lies ahead. But God is in control. We need to remember that He tells us:

“Be still, and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

We are told that God is LOVE. He wants us to SURRENDER all, to allow Him to be the potter, and for us to rest and allow Him to mold us as clay. There is much in each of our lives to surrender to God, including our FEAR.

“Yet, O Lord, you are our Father, We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.” Isaiah 64:8

We’ve all heard the saying, “Let go and let God.” Often that involves more than our fear. What about control? That’s a big one to surrender!

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” Proverbs 1:7

God desires that I be on the path that He set before me.

“Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” Psalm 119:105

God created us and gave us a guidebook. Why is it that we often acquire a new product and try to work it or use it without reading the instruction manual? We think we can figure it out on our own, only to find out that we didn’t have all of the answers. How often do we get into trouble in life when we do just the same? We think we can do it our way when He has given us His WORD – our guide book.

Proverbs 12:15 states, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.”

How foolish to do it my way when God has told us:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” Isaiah 55:8

That tells me that in every unanswered question I have, and every dilemma in my life, I can find His path for me in His Word.

With that I must surrender my ways, and I must search for God’s ways. Proverbs 3:5, 6 speaks to me saying:

Trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all of my ways I am to acknowledge him, and he will make my paths straight.

A straight path – wow, that’s the one I want to be on!

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood.” John 1:1-5

So, I pray: “Father, I am a creation of You who created all things. My surrender to You allows more of Your light to shine on my path in this dark world. I praise You, Lord! I cry out to You and ask that You allow me to find Your perfect love and drive out all my fears. Amen!”