Parenting by the Example of our Heavenly Father: Does God Punish Us?

Submitted by Jennifer Power

A Misconception

“Inappropriate behavior needs to be punished, and Godly parents will punish their children when they sin.” I have heard one version or another of this sentiment time and time again from Christian parents. Today I want to examine these concepts for biblical accuracy.

During the next several weeks, I will examine some parenting concepts which initially sound solid, but when compared with scripture, do not seem to line up with how God treats us as His beloved children. Jesus did not have children, so we cannot examine His parenting techniques, but surely there is no better model for parenting than examining how God “parents” us as His children – particularly in light of the Gospel.

Examining Punishment

I recently heard punishment defined as “exacting a price for wrongdoing.”

My question for you to consider today is this: Does God punish us? I do not believe we can read the New Testament and come to the conclusion that God punishes us for our wrongdoing. If punishment is about exacting a price for wrongdoing, and Christ’s death on the cross paid that price, why would God continue to punish the sins of His people?

If we believe He continues to punish us, we do not believe Christ’s sacrifice was enough. 1 John 4:18 tells us “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” We are not to fear because we are under the perfect love of our heavenly Father who does not punish us because Christ has already taken our punishment on Himself (See Isaiah 53:3-5, 1 Peter 2:23-25, and Romans 8:1-2).

Examining Discipline

Discipline on the other hand, is certainly used by God with us and should therefore be used by us in our parenting. Unlike punishment, discipline is not about exacting a price for wrongdoing but is a process for development of Godly character and living. God both disciplines us and desires us to be disciplined. God’s discipline for us is characterized in the Old Testament by the shepherd’s staff which guided the sheep (keeping them safe and in the shepherd’s care). God’s discipline is sometime unpleasant because it involves the denial of self and the laying down of our will for God’s will. It also involves natural consequences (such as a stomach ache for eating poorly) which, when we see them as such, can shape our behaviors and help us act in a healthy, Godly manner.

Discipline need not be feared because discipline produces fruit and Godly character in us and draws us closer to our Heavenly Father. Punishment, on the other hand, involves fear, resentment, anger, and pulls us away from the one doing the punishing. Punishment says “Oh now you will pay!” while discipline says “I love you, let me teach you a better way.”

Discipline, correction, and consequences should therefore be used solely as means to teach and train and not as retribution. When we are considering consequences for our children’s inappropriate behaviors, here are some questions to consider:

• What is the minimal consequence which can be given to open up the opportunity for learning?
• Will this action I am considering cause resentment or break my child’s trust?
• Am I angry, and am I desiring to make them pay for what they’ve done, or is this to help and teach?
• Is my child angry/worked up, and if so, how can I help him calm down before teaching? (Giving consequences to out of control children leads to exasperation and escalates behaviors.)
• Is the consequence logical and age-appropriate?
• How can I teach and show grace to my child?

There are many ways in which people discipline their children. One of the biggest questions parents deal with is whether to use physical discipline or not. For us, our experience leads us to advise against physical discipline (spanking, hand slapping, etc.) for a number of reasons (though I know it is a complex issue, and I will not go deeply into it here). We have taught character and social skills to children and teens who often exhibited extreme behaviors, and we were able to achieve results without physical discipline. For now, I will simply say we have found it is possible to avoid these types of discipline/punishment and raise children with character, integrity, and self-control.

In This Together

Parenting is hard work. It is my prayer that we can support and encourage one another as parents even when we disagree with one another. It is certainly important to respond to our children’s inappropriate behaviors – and it is our job to do so. My hope is that as we seek to respond to our children, we will look to God and how He treats us and consider how we might model Him and His ways.

If you ever desire prayer or someone to talk with about parenting challenges, I would love to pray and talk with you and provide any support I can. You can email me at jennifer@spldecatur.org or call (217)423-6955.

Scripture References

1 John 4:17-19: This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

Isaiah 53:3-5:

He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

1 Peter 2:23-25: When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

Romans 8:1-2: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”