Are You Fond of Your Spouse?

You may remember that last week I provided a short list of questions for you to complete with your spouse or significant other in hope of creating a “love map” together. That’s a term that basically means getting to know your spouse better —their likes, dislikes, quirks, fears, etc. It was an exercise meant to build intimacy. Whether or not you knew, or thought you knew the answers, was beside the point. Along the same lines, even if you know a lot about your spouse, you may struggle in having or expressing fondness and admiration for them, which is every bit, if not more, important.

Fondness is not a word we use much anymore but I’ll bet we all know the feeling. It is easy to admire our spouse and feel fond in the first couple of years of knowing them and even into the first couple of years of marriage. Often though, life eventually gets in the way and the little things that were once cute become annoying. When that happens, we may find it more difficult to look at them admiringly like we used to. Unfortunately for our spouse, who can read our emotions and feelings better than anyone, they can likely sense if we are not feeling as fond of them as we used to. Maybe we make sarcastic comments or subtle remarks that are digs at their personality or habits. It doesn’t take long for these things to begin to wear on a person. So how do you know how you’re doing in this department? I’ve included another list of questions to consider. They’re true/false and you simply tally your score at the end.

1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F
2. When we are apart, I often think fondly about my partner. T F
3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 
5. My partner really respects me. T F 
6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 
8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 
9. My partner turns me on sexually.T F 
10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 
13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. T F 
14. I can easily tell someone why I started dating my partner. T F 
15. If I had to do it all over again, I would date the same person. T F 
16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 
17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 
18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. T F 
19. My partner generally likes my personality. T F
20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F

Add your score by giving yourself 1 point for each “True” response. If you have ten or more points, having and expressing fondness and admiration is a strength in your relationship. If you have less than ten points, it may be something to focus on. Some of these items are easier to work on than others. For example, if you answered “false” to the item, “I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately,” that can be remedied by touching or kissing your spouse affectionately more often! And if you answered “false” to the item “I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner,” that would be something worth sitting and thinking about, and attempting to rediscover what attracted you to them in the first place and letting them know.

The most difficult items to approach would be items like “my partner finds me sexy and attractive,” or “when I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.” If you answered “false” to these items, that can be a tough thing to admit, and a conversation with your spouse is definitely in order. Perhaps their actions are not a true reflection of how they feel, or perhaps they are and it’s something that needs to be addressed. Completing this survey can spark so much conversation and it can definitely be a fun thing, but it can also be an uncomfortable thing for some.

As with so many things in life, real change often requires doing something we would rather not do or that makes us uncomfortable. I will be praying for couples in our church body to grow closer to God and grow closer to each other.

Jarvis

If you find you might need some help getting this conversation started, I would be happy to walk with you and your spouse toward some positive changes in your marriage – call me at 217-423-6955 to make an appointment today.