Neither Ahead Nor Behind

Submitted by Jennifer Power

It has been a number of weeks now since I gave up hurrying for Lent. It was somewhat easy at first. I rushed very little, and even when I did rush, I was aware and able to identify it in the moment and slow back down. I saw God provide in so many ways in those first couple weeks of moving in His time.

Just a short time before giving up hurrying, I began to realize my need for a dedicated hour of study and prayer first thing in the morning. I had previously let myself off the hook due to the lack of sleep which seems to permeate my current life circumstances. I would find time with God when I could and attempted to seek Him throughout the day, but I found I really missed a set apart time of the time to seek Him. I had tried other times of the day, but I just could not seem to get into a rhythm.

I therefore decided one day I was just going to set my alarm early each morning regardless of how much or how little sleep I might get and dedicate the first hour of the day to concentrated time with God. I did sleep through my alarm one morning, and some mornings my youngest daughter rises extra early, but most mornings I have had the opportunity to spend that first hour with God.

I have been reading through a devotional book called Abundant Living by E. Stanley Jones which Pastor Eric recommended and lent to me. It has been wonderful reading and praying through this book thus far, but recently I noticed myself slipping into a danger zone in which I have often found myself in the past.

In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis speaks of the natural ups and downs of the life of a follower of Christ and how His followers in the early stages tend to have incorrect assumptions about valley times. He talks about how these valley times are an opportunity for Christians to remain faithful and about how God uses these times in tremendous ways.

I have experienced many of these mountains and valleys in my walk with Christ and have come to understand and accept them as a natural part of the process of growing in Kingdom living. I am, however, coming to realize I often plunge myself into a valley time by running ahead of the Spirit of God. My mountain times often start with a renewed excitement and enthusiasm for what God is doing and teaching me. It is often marked by the reading of many books and by longer and more regular times in prayer. I sense God’s Spirit within me and receive clearer glimpses into the reality of life in Christ – of living in His Kingdom here on earth.

These times are beautiful but challenging, and in them I have often run ahead of God’s leading. Most recently, E. Stanley Jones has led me through 7 things which keep people from the abundant life in Christ as well as through a number of areas of life which require disciplining. I have enjoyed reading through these selections from the devotional, but I have found myself mistakenly thinking God wants me to tackle ALL these issues at once.

This tends to be my core problem in my mountain times. Excited for what life in Christ can be, I try to fix all at once all the problems I sense within myself. Not surprisingly, this has often led me to guilt, disappointment, frustration, and eventually to an exhaustion which drives me into a valley time. Instead of focusing on the core issue(s) God is addressing within me, I take on too much and burn out.

Today, I am convinced God has asked me to do the following:

• Rise for a daily hour of concentrated time with Him.
• Stop rushing and trust in His timing and provision.
• Resume my classwork to complete my degree.
• Pray, learn, and prepare for God’s vision for my work in Children’s Ministry here at St. Paul’s.

For now, this is enough. Certainly, there are many moments throughout each day where God asks me to be obedient to Him in particular ways, and it is always my goal to obey, but I am becoming convinced taking on any other big challenges at this time is unwise.

Despite my initial thinking, now is not the right time for me to do a complete overhaul of:

• Eating healthy and exercising
• Disciplining excess spending
• Cleaning the house and car

There are times in each day where I can make good choices with food, free time, spending, cleaning, etc. and I will continue to strive to make those good choices, but I will not at this time attack these issues with the same fervor as the first list. I must strive to grant myself more grace and forgiveness in these areas or I will too quickly burn myself out. It has happened far too many times before.

Ultimately, I must trust in God’s plan for my growth and not in my own.

Yesterday, God did not (from my perspective) provide for me in a way He had been doing previously. I lost my glasses. In the first few weeks of my experiment in not rushing and in trusting God, I often found God would recover lost items for me. I would find items almost immediately upon asking God to show me where they were. Sure, it was just small stuff, but God’s movement in the small things gave me greater assurances of His moving in the big things.

I believe God is asking me to step up my trust. My agreement with Him is that I will trust Him regardless of whether or not things go my way. He has shown me He can provide in big ways and small and is in fact doing so. I see Him now removing a bit of the crutch and asking me to walk more on my own two feet. Just because I may not see Him as often in the small things does not mean He is not in them and does not mean I cannot trust Him.

I have more confidence today than ever before that He is working alongside me and has invited me into the first tier of what He is doing. God showed me earlier this week that I have often believed I was a second tier follower – eating the crumbs of grace from the floor but not invited to the table.

When God provided this job for me here at St. Paul’s, I was thankful for the provision for our family – thankful for the opportunity to move back home and have a job. Until recently, it had not crossed my mind that God could truly have been calling me to this place and this position to use me for His specific purposes and to be part of His bigger picture in a great way.

Today, God is asking me to stand in confidence as His beloved child called to His purposes. He has shown me His faithfulness both recently and throughout my entire life. From my early youth, he has gifted me with a full assurance that all my answers are Him. His grace has flooded my life always, and He has been my great Teacher and Provider. He asks me today to trust Him – even and especially when I do not necessarily see Him at work in every request I make. He has proven Himself faithful and has requested my absolute faithfulness in return. It is my full intention to remain in that faithfulness.

In not rushing, I hope to learn to better stay with the Spirit of God – to not run ahead and take on more than He has given me to do, and to not lag behind, worn down by my misguided attempts to advance myself outside His leading. I am thankful today He has shown me errors of my previous ways and continues to walk with me every step of the way.

May God grant us all grace to stay with Him always.