“Keeping score” is one of the most detrimental things a couple can do for their relationship. Keeping score is simply keeping track of something that your spouse does wrong or something that they have neglected to do. Keeping score might just involve making a mental note of it and saying nothing, or you might bring it up to your spouse at a later time.

I was thinking about this last night when my wife and I were talking about who should do the dishes. It was late and we were both tired, but the sink was full and they had to be done. As we were discussing whose “turn” it was, we started listing the things that each of us had been doing around the house the last few days. “I did dishes every night but Tuesday this week.” “I cleaned the bathroom yesterday and swept the floors.” When we realized what we were doing, it seemed ridiculous. After all, as husband and wife, we are one now. How can we be seriously having this conversation? We talked about how we noticed that we have been keeping score a lot lately. It’s one of those things that can start to come between you as a couple if you don’t watch out.

It can be so easy to feel like we are being wronged by our spouse. We convince ourselves that we are justified in telling them (often in a not so polite way) that they are not pulling their weight. If your spouse is regularly saying that he or she will do something and not following through and you have to pick up the slack, then definitely talk with your spouse about it. Do so before you let resentment build up in your heart, but do so with kindness and at a time when you’ve allowed yourself to cool down, and keep the focus on how you feel. Snapping at them when you’re frustrated or leaving the sink full of dishes until your spouse does them is not going to end well. Often when we perceive an injustice has been done to us we want to act immediately. One of the toughest things to do is slow down and compose yourself first. Take a break until you’re ready to approach the subject calmly.

How can you determine if you’re ready to approach the subject calmly?

It’s always a good idea before any interaction to ask yourself “What do I want out of this?” It can help you determine if you’re ready to have a discussion now or if you need some time.

There have been times that I have snapped at my wife out of anger or frustration that could have been avoided had I just asked myself what my goal was. If my goal is to prove my wife wrong, prove that I’m right, or “punish” my wife for something that she has said or done, then I’m not ready. I use the word punish here to mean saying anything that is said with the intention of making your spouse feel not valued, unappreciated, or bad about him/herself in some way. The goal should be to improve the relationship, improve communication, or something along those lines. Don’t lie to yourself on this one – you’ll be able to feel if your goal is for the good of the relationship or if it’s more for selfish reasons (proving yourself right or punishing your spouse). Remember, our spouses are better than anyone at being able to tell what our true intentions are. They can detect the slightest hint of sarcasm or phoniness in us, so when you do go to broach the subject, being genuine is key.

My hope is that this post can give you a bit more insight when it comes to communicating effectively with your spouse. This is certainly an area in which we can all be continually improving.

In His service,

Jarvis

If you need additional tools for communicating with your spouse or support, contact Jarvis Howe at 217-423-6955 to learn more.