What’s the Balance in Your Love Bank Account?

Submitted by Jarvis Howe

I have been thinking a lot lately about investing in my marriage. This past Saturday St. Paul’s was a host site for the “I Still Do” marriage simulcast presented by Family Life ministries. It was a great marriage-strengthening event and I know many couples were blessed by it, my wife and I included. I’ve been thinking about folks investing in their marriages because things like this event only come along every once in a while. So what are people to do in the meantime?

It is becoming more and more obvious to my wife and I that marriage does not demand only a part-time effort. When we were dating, it did feel like only a part-time effort was required. We would see each other on the weekend and talk on the phone a couple of times during the week, but marriage requires more than that. I don’t want to treat this event as something that fills our quota for the week or month of time invested in our relationship.

One of the great resources for investing in your relationship is the idea of “love banks” presented by John Gottman. The basic idea is that when you meet someone and become interested in them romantically, you open a “love bank account” with them. You then make deposits in this bank account, in the form of buying her flowers, laughing at his jokes, complimenting each other, listening to each other, and so forth. There are an almost endless number of ways in which you can make a deposit into your spouse’s love bank.

Part of making these deposits is knowing what kinds of things “fill” your spouse’s love bank. I love it when my wife compliments me when I do something well, no matter what it is. One compliment from her is worth one hundred “I love you’s” from her. I know she loves me, but I don’t always know how she feels about me in other ways. Concerning her love bank, I know that she likes to hear me say, “I love you” to her, and that compliments on her ability to perform a task aren’t as meaningful to her as they are to me.

Making deposits into your spouse’s love bank often takes very little time. However, with the hustle and bustle of life, it is easy to become lazy and forget. As with a real bank account, not only can you make deposits, but also withdrawals. Belittling your spouse, shouting at him or her, and not following through on a promise are all ways of making withdrawals. As with deposits, there are an almost infinite number of ways you can make withdrawals, so being mindful of how that affects your relationship is important.

What I really love about the idea of a “love bank” is that it is a great illustration of investing in your marriage. When you’ve made a deposit you can see evidence of it in your spouse’s face or demeanor. Likewise, it is usually pretty easy to tell when you’ve made a withdrawal. As I said in the beginning of this post, big marriage-strengthening events only come along occasionally. Unfortunately, some couples aren’t investing in their marriages in the meantime. Not only are some couples not making many deposits in their spouse’s banks, they are making too many withdrawals.

I challenge you to make a conscious effort this week (and in the days and weeks ahead) to make more deposits than withdrawals. And remember, as deposits into a bank account will lead to financial security, deposits into a love bank account will lead to relational security.

If you have questions or are looking for more relationship support or resources, contact Jarvis Howe, Director of Counseling and Family Ministry at 217-423-6955.