Moving Toward Each Other During Conflict

Submitted by Jarvis Howe

As some of you may know, I am teaching an F3 class called Love and Respect. In last week’s class we talked about what is really going on when women confront their husbands in an attempt to connect with them. I also just spoke with a couple in counseling about this issue so I thought it would be a good idea to write about it as well.

Often times when couples run into problems it is the wife who makes the first move to fix things. When wives try to fix things they naturally move toward their husbands. They confront their husbands with what the problem is as they see it. With the couple I talked with last week, the husband thought the wife was picking fights with him. She did admit to coming across as hostile at times, but only because she was desperately crying out to her husband to love her. He saw it as her problem; she saw it as his problem. In reality, it’s their problem.

When she would confront him, often out of frustration, he would do what a lot of men do: retreat. It triggers a fight or flight instinct within us and it is often easier to say nothing, or “stonewall.” So what’s the problem here? Is one person right and one person wrong or could both parties have handled the situation better? Your answer may differ depending on whether you’re a husband or a wife!

I certainly understand the husband because I’ve been there myself, but I also sympathize with the wife and can see how difficult it could be to not react out of frustration. Neither one of them have reacted well. Looking at the book of Ephesians may give us all a better idea of how to react better in these situations.

Ephesians 5:25 calls on husbands to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. When we react by stonewalling or by acting unlovingly to our wives, are we really living up to this standard? Of course not. Likewise, wives are not living up to Ephesians 5:33 which commands them to respect their husbands. Confronting husbands angrily or disrespectfully is not only falling short of the Bible’s teachings, but it’s ineffective in getting what they are seeking from their husbands. In short, both husbands and wives have to “get over themselves” and move toward each other.

Husbands, realize that when your wife is confronting you, it is very likely her anger is masking a deeper need. Reach out to her and find out what that need really is even though you would prefer to run away. And wives, if your approach is softer there is a much greater chance your words will reach him.

Need additional help in working through some of these challenges in your marriage? Contact Jarvis Howe, M.A., Director of Counseling and Family Ministry at 217-423-6955.