How to Not Spoil Your Kids

Submitted by Jennifer Power

The past several months I have been blessed with the opportunity to attend a Sunday school class at our church called Building Blocks for parents/caretakers and children under three years old. It is led by fabulous teachers who love the Lord and are experts in early childhood development – not only is it an opportunity for growth, but it is a wonderful opportunity for Christian community as we play with our kids and share life with other people in a similar life-stage.

In a recent class, one of our leaders posed the question “what do you NOT want to do in your parenting?”

I shared I do not want to spoil our children. We discussed varied ways to spoil children (giving them everything they want, not holding them accountable for their behavior, giving in to whining, etc.) and talked about how spoiled children often grow up to be adults who feel a sense of entitlement.

It breaks my heart when I see children being unkind to one another. I know none of us are immune from sin, but when I see one child causing another child harm, it is hard to not make a connection between their behavior and a sense of entitlement. It is certainly a challenging, multifaceted issue, and I will not pretend otherwise, but I believe we as parents can help our children have concern for others by avoiding parenting traps which can lead to spoiling our children. Finding a balance between exposing our children to the pain of the world while protecting their innocence and doing our duty as parents to guard their hearts can be difficult (to say the least) but it is nevertheless a challenge we must take on.

As this topic of spoiling has come up a number of times in our Sunday school class since that initial discussion, I would like to take the time today to share some of our classes “conclusions” on how to not spoil your kids. Certainly these are starting points only, and there is no way to keep children from ever being unkind; but my hope is as we engage in these tactics, we will raise up children who feel sorrow and regret when they harm another – a response which with the help of the Holy Spirit can help children minimize harmful behaviors in the future – and who see others as people full of worth and treat them as such.

Here are seven suggestions from our Sunday school class on how not to spoil your kids:

1. DO NOT GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT. Let us start with the obvious one. Whether we have the means or not, we should never give our children everything they want. Consider God’s approach with us – has God given you everything you want? Most likely, the answer is no. Likewise, while we should be intentional with what we give and do not give to our children. We all know it is not good for children to receive everything they want, but it can be easy to fall into a trap of giving them things all the time before we realize they have grown to expect this.
2. HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR BEHAVIORS (AND BE CONSISTENT!) Consistency is a huge key to avoid spoiling. When children learn they can get what they want through whining, they will begin to whine… a lot. Even if you only occasionally give in to whining, it will give them fuel to whine in the future. Consistency is important in many aspects of parenting. One important area which requires consistency (especially when considering the topic of spoiling) is in regard to consequences for inappropriate behaviors. These should be applied consistently and tie directly into the offensive behavior, and this should be combined with follow-up teaching (explaining what they did wrong, why it was wrong, what they can do differently next time, how this ties in to what God expects of us, etc.). For example when your child makes a mess, make them clean it up (help them if need be, but make sure they are contributing). This kind of consistency (though challenging) will go a long way toward holding your children accountable and avoiding spoiled behavior.
3. HELP THEM EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF GIVING FROM AN EARLY AGE. Look for opportunities to show your children how wonderful it can be to give. Help them think through gift giving by carefully considering what the recipient would enjoy. Be joyful when your children give you something – whether big or small – so they can learn to love giving as they see how happy it makes the recipient which in turn brings joy to them as the giver.
4. TIE FAMILY SACRIFICE TO BLESSING OTHERS. If you want your children to understand that everything in life is not about them (which is a big challenge), it is important for them to make connections between sacrifice and giving. When we tell our children (for example) “this year we will be cutting back on junk food so we can give food to children who do not have as much food as we do,” we are making them aware of the suffering of others and helping them learn early on that their wants are not more important than other people’s needs and that it is good and right to make sacrifices so others can have what they need.
5. TEACH THEM ABOUT BEING BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING. Encourage children to consider how they can use their blessings to be a blessing to others. God gives us blessings with the expectation that we use these blessings to further His Kingdom – not just to make us happy. Certainly, God must love seeing us experience joy, but He also knows there is even more joy for both ourselves and others when we take our blessings and use them to be a blessing to others. Consider a board game and how it is so much more enjoyable to play with another person than to just keep it to ourselves. While not forcing sharing to an unhealthy degree with your children, be intentional about showing your kids how they can use their blessings to bless others.
6. PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS (AND DO NOT JUST GIVE THEM TOYS WHICH ARE MEANT TO KEEP THEM BUSY AND AWAY FROM YOU). Playing with your children is a crucial part of their healthy development and growth. Not only do kids learn during play, but as you play with them, they will understand they are worth your time. A healthy sense of self-worth can go a long way toward not being spoiled. Children do not need to seek negative attention from other adults and children when they are regular recipients of positive attention from the adults nearest them. When you think about gifts you want to give to your children, consider purchasing items you will enjoy using with them. Along these same lines, do not purchase items for your children to appease your own sense of guilt – children will figure that out quickly and use it against you. Purchase/make/give gifts for your children out of your joy.
7. TEACH THEM TO BE THANKFUL. When you pray with your kids, lead them often in prayers of thanksgiving. Teach them the importance of showing appreciation and let them know an appreciative attitude encourages others to continue blessing them. Regularly point your children to God as the giver of all good gifts, and teach them that He blesses us because He wants to and not because he owes us anything.

While this list of suggestions is incomplete and sin will never allow us to raise perfect children, I hope these tips from our Sunday school class will help you and I (together with the Holy Spirit) raise children who are appreciative, responsible, and considerate of others more often than they are not.

This parenting thing is no easy task! If you are in the Decatur area and have a child under three, we would love to have you join us at St. Paul’s for Building Blocks on Sunday mornings at 9:20am (between 8:00am and 10:30am worship) upstairs in room 211 (it is very laid back and we welcome late-comers!).